Of Cabbages and Chimps

So there's a story that's apparently been big news (see, I told you I don't watch/read that shit; which is why I don't know this stupid story - and I'll tell you why it's stupid in a minute) about a pet chimp who went bad (possibly rabid?) and attacked its owner's friend. Eventually the animal had to be shot by policemen because it was violent. Now the reason it's stupid is because chimps are NOT gentle creatures nor suitable pets for human beings. More on this later. So I guess a cartoonist from the same newspaper that's been making a big deal out of the monkey story starts thinking about how the "stimulus" is so stupid, it could have been written by an infinite number of monkeys sitting at an infinite number of typewriters, because frankly, no matter how long that goes on, they're NOT going to turn out a copy of Hamlet. Just...no. It's gibberish, and it's BAD, and a monkey may as well have banged it out randomly on a typewriter.

He puts these two things together and makes a not-very-funny but not entirely unfunny cartoon; because the image of chimps sitting at typewriters has always been funny, and really, them turning out this massive turd of a bill is appropriate.

Raaaaaaaaaaaacist! Because everyone knows that monkey = black people. And because Obama WROTE the bill...except he didn't. Daschle, Pelosi, and for all we fucking know, a roomfull of actual chimps wrote the damn thing. Had the cartoonist said they'd need someone else to SIGN the next bill, then it would have been about Obama. He didn't; he said WRITE the next bill. Jugears is no author - he didn't sit there writing this thing LOL. Jeesh. Now Al Sharpton, he does strike me as something like a gibbon, the way he jumps around and screams and acts the fool. Oh yeah, he's doing it now. You paid any of that settlement to Pagones yet, you filthy life-ruining LYING turd, Sharpton? No? Then STFU you filthy disgrace of a "man".

While I'm at it, apparently this was ok because I didn't hear anyone screaming about it.

And dozens of collages. Actually, just google Bush Chimp, hit images and see what you get.

Last time - The cartoon refers to the **author**, not the signer, of the bill, and Obama ain't it. And after 8 years of the self-same people who are bitching now making the pictures I just posted above? You can all go to hell with that complaint; even if it WERE accurate, which it isn't. I intend to call him any number of things and liken him to many animals - some of which may be monkeys, depending on his behavior, and I really don't give a damn what anyone thinks of that.

To tell you the truth, my grandfather looked EXACTLY like a chimp, and 90 times out of a hundred when I see any kind of ape I am immediately nostalgic for him. Even his hands were like theirs. Well, his fingers and nails. His expressions. George Burns did too, when he got older. Some people do look like monkeys - Obama doesn't really (except the cartoon Curious George). Maybe when he gets older he'll get that monkey look too. Meh, whatever.

I'll be interested to see the shitstorm that develops around this. The bullshitstorm, that is.

Wait, What? Chimps AREN'T good pets? Hell no.

Read the article (hilarious!) but in the meantime here's a sample:

It's sort of like a fraternity initiation, only they don't give a shit if you survive. For instance, look how the adorable monkey treats his "friend" the zoologist, who's been coming to his island and feeding him bananas for years.

If that clip reminds you less of Ross's adorable pet monkey on Friends and more of Stephen Seagal "taking out the trash," that's because you watched it. Now imagine what that monkey would do to your goofy, non-banana bringing ass if you tried to make him wear a funny hat and a necktie.

Oh, here's something to make that mental image even worse: On four recorded occasions in the last 50 years, chimpanzees have abducted, killed and eaten human babies. That's human with an H, as in Homo Sapiens, as in a human baby getting wrenched out of its mother's arms, dragged off into the forest and devoured by a chimp. We are not making this up.