November 30, 2009


So I saw this book my daughter's friend was reading and it looked ok and it was about vampires. Ever since Blacula, and Frank Langella's stage/film performance, Salem's Lot and so forth, vampires are, to me, the only legend that has any class. I revered the vampire legend. Ever since people tried to BE vampires and since Twilight, I have reconsidered my stance. Few things have ever sucked so hard.

In this book you start with the most boring, klutzy, inept girl that ever existed, who LOVES searing heat and sunshine. Which makes her evil already. Anyone who LOVES the sun has to suck. Bad.

She goes to a school where she's sure everyone will hate her but instead everyone treats her with a deference that is totally unreal. Except...Edward. His black eyes threaten her and she is completely freaked out,never realizing she might just be an asshole. She falls over her own shoes, trips in volleyball and almost kills someone, and faints at the "smell"of a drop of blood in science class. Did I mention she moved to the most rainy part of the country? Eegads, not so much sun! Gah.

Bella continues to be one of the most disagreeable people ever and everyone continues to kiss her ass, except Edward, theonly one she cares about.

After saving her from a gang of raping rapists, Edward finally brings her home, where itis revealed that they can't go out in the sun because they sparkle. Oooh - scary. Oh, and her Indian friend is a werewolf. Triangle! The most boring triangle ever. Kids go to these movies with "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" shirts,like it matters. Either way she's fucked. But Bella is begging to be fucked, which is probably thepoint of these movies. Since they are purity movies in thin disguise. On her wedding night Bella wonders if she's going to actually have sex withher husband. WONDERS. Until she decides totally to doit and bear a monster baby that will almost surely kill her. This is the dumbest series, told through the point of view of the dumbest protagonist ever. Read Salem's Lot or Dracula instead. You'll get a lot more outof it. Better yet, read the first 4 Anne Rice novels. It's hella gay, but it totally rocks.