Ok so tomorrow I start the alphabet challenge. You think I can't come up with shit? Hah! You betcher ass I can. I can think of ten things just for A. Wait'll we get to M LOL. The alphabet challenge is something a friend came up with...ok a friend of a friend. You start on April FOOL'S day, April 1, and you blog every day (discounting Sundays - apparently somebody's a better Christian than me; usually on Sunday I'm hungover so works for me) and by the end of the month you've worked your way through the alphabet. If I drop out of sight in the meantime it means I'm homeless BUT NOT DEAD; apparently until our time comes we're immortal. (Which makes suicide a joke - how can you kill yourself unless its your time?) At any rate since we're prolly gonna get more traffic I prolly have to come up with something uplifting...ah who am I kidding? I gotta be me! And me is dark. So we'll go with the dark alphabet shall we?
Umm I just looked at sunsets...you see, here on the East Coast we can't see sunsets on the water; did see a magnificent sunrise over the Niagara Falls once tho. But...am I the only person who loathes SUN? Even the word, SUN makes me ill. The sun has poisoned me more than once - sun poisoning isn't pretty; you peel and peel over and over. It burns your eyes. I like second shift - no sun. And when you google sunsets you come up with eight bazillion pictures featuring PALM TREES. FUCK palm trees. Big ugly trunks with a little puff on top. Screw that. I like Mimosas and maples. Mimosas, when they're done right, you can climb and they got these pretty little leaves and gorgeous blooms in the spring. In fact, FUCK spring without Mimosas. It's useless without those pretty pink blooms. Oh sure you can have your cherry trees that you gotta RENT something to pick because they're so high. All pretty blooms and then impossible fruit. WITH seeds. BIG seeds. No, Mimosas are much more delicate. I sense a picture coming. There it is:
Ok so I'm sitting on my bed eating some roasted chicken (even if I do think I make it better than my husband does; he thinks different) and reading. Husband, son and daughter are all down the hall in the kitchen eating chicken. All of a sudden "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHCCCHHHHH" - this SCREAM of a choke starts coming down the hall, and I know it's my daughter, because it's her voice. Then it starts going on, and on, and ONNNN! She was choking sure as hell. Now I know the conventional wisdom and it's *normally* quite correct - as long as the person is making sounds or coughing (uh, which makes a sound) then leave them alone to get it out, right? But no, it was VERY clear with this sound that it was to be immediately followed by silence - either by a complete blockage of the airway or death, or both. Normally I'm very good in any emergency and I almost started running down the hall to Heimlich the kid (now again,normally you wouldn't Heimlich someone unless there was no sound, and there are very good reasons for that; you're trying to use the last bit of air left inside to dislodge whatever's stuck in there, but like I say, in this case if you had heard it you would know; it WAS time to try) - but for some reason instead I screamed "OH MY GOD HELP HER, PLEASE HELP HER!" (I was talking to my husband and son there, not praying for a miracle.) And as I'm screaming that I hear my husband say, "No, get UNDER there!" - now if there's one thing I've taught my kids, it's life-saving techniques and first aid. And remaining calm and pro-active during an emergency. It kept on and on...and then suddenly, it stopped and she was ok. I was JUST about to run down the hall (I can't run, but under the right conditions I could probably lift a car, you know?) and dial 911 but that wasn't the answer; the problem is that in that 4 minutes she would have been dead. And unfortunately our most local ambulance services closed up shop so it would be more minutes; we'd end up with some idiot asshole rookie cop telling us to wait for an ambulance or something. Hell, wait until I tell about the time I had a seizure and the difference between the ambulance help and the police help (hint: the cops always get there first.)
Anyway, I'm still screaming, "IS SHE OK, IS SHE??? WHAT HAPPENED?" and I heard, oh thank God, I heard her saying "It's OK Mommy".
But of course I had to get all the inside poop so I made them all come in and tell me what happened in detail. It was a CHICKEN BONE caught in her airway - almost but not quite fully blocking it. I said "So, did you get it up on your own, or did he get it up for you?" She said "Oh hell no, it wasn't going ANYWHERE; HE got it up! As soon as daddy told him to get UNDER there" (he started a tad too high).
So I started singing that song "How to save a life..." because I was so happy and proud. Why in hell she was chewing a bite with a bone in it I'll never know; I wouldn't. It was JUST like the scene in Amadeus where Salieri's father chokes on a chicken bone (he must have been a good actor because the sound was exactly the same only more drawn out and repeated many times.) So then of course I had to quote Salieri there - when his father was choking on a chicken bone, he said, "And then you know what happened? A MIRACLE!" See, he hated his father ;) But frankly I did not want to go watch this young woman I love die, part of why I hesitated, in fact.
Then I told my son "You actually saved her LIFE; you're a hero!" And no one will ever know; pity, that. But I can rest easy in the knowledge that I DID pass on some great tools and the ability to use them to the people that matter most to me. Sure, I could have done it - I HAVE done it, but to see someone else do it is awe-inspiring; especially when you know you were the one who taught them how.
Ok so I'll include one other anecdote (aren't you lucky! lol) - not the last thanksgiving but the one before that, our ailing cousin - well, my husband's cousin, but she's always treated me as family - was sitting next to me and she didn't have her plate in. And she didn't cut her turkey small enough. And it was slightly underdone,and thus a tad more...rubbery? (No, it wasn't rubbery; it was delicious, but rubbery will do.) And she was sitting right next to me, and suddenly...that sound. That horrible choking sound. And I did what you're supposed to; I asked her if she was choking, and she kept choking. Then I asked her if she was all right, and she shook her head no. Emphatically. See, you normally have some idea if you're gonna cough something up. She was still making sounds, but when someone tells you they're choking and they're NOT OK, you gotta go for it. So I jumped the hell up and grabbed her skinny ass and PUSHED. A second later, she said "Ok ok ok ok - I got it; it's up." I only had to do it once. Ideally, you only have to do it once; like I say, the idea is to use the last bit of air to dislodge the thing. Postscript - as she's standing there (did I forget to mention she stood up, as one naturally would, when she started choking really bad?) I saw across the table my brother-in-law sitting there looking extremely annoyed, rolling his eyes and looking at his plate...wtf? I was like, the girl is CHOKING here, hello?!? (Girl...hehe, she's 50.) Anyway, later on he actually mentioned it disgustedly, about how she was "puking" on her plate. I said "She wasn't puking, she was CHOKING to death". And...in her typical fashion of demeaning me in little ways (she doesn't know she's doing it so I don't fault her so much for it) she said, "You almost had it, too." Heh. That's the thanks I get for dislodging the turkey - you ALMOST had the spot. As though I didn't kick it the hell out personally. Ah well; I don't want credit - watchword for emergencies - remain calm, and employ your techniques. Use them appropriately, and be trained in first aid. No one remained calm or knew the techniques to breathe air into me when I stopped breathing so I pretty much drilled it into them even more after that. In fact, I drilled everyone who came to my house - "Hey, if I ever stop breathing, THIS is how you do it..." Hehe. I like to breathe. When I found out that CPR only works 2% of the time I was dismayed and when I read that those paddles of electricity can NOT *restart* your heart but can only stabilize an ailing heartbeat, I was doubly dismayed. What the hell did I learn all that stuff for? Well...you gotta try :) So...lives saved, many at any rate. Heh, when I swallowed a penny at 1 1/2 or 2 (I remember it, but I was tiny) my babysitter saw me sitting there not breathing and choking, and SHE hung me upside down by my feet and pounded me on the back. By the way, it worked! Out popped the penny! Gravity rocks!
Ok so this doesn't make any sense to me. Well it makes SOME sense but I hate it, try that.
You see, this man has four wives. And umpteen kids (no, I'm not looking it up, YOU look it up.) HOW? WHY? FOR WHAT? Look, it's one thing to be a playa and have 4 girls you're screwing, right? This isn't that. This is four WIVES. With all their non-birth-controlled kids. All in the same house. This is "Sister Wives" - a positive portrayal of a polygamous family, with ONE man and four wives and endless kids. In fact, after meeting one of his sister wives, her MOTHER ended up becoming part of the family by marrying his father...or maybe his mother. Never mind that he already HAD a wife. SHE, quite naturally, was jealous at first, but he just LOVED it, didn't he? Is it really worth it? To have four holes to bury your sword in? SERIOUSLY?
No, I don't get it. I actually cried to my husband, asking him if he would want another fucking WIFE - isn't one bad enough??? The responsibility, the care, the heartache...the shit we ALL go through...how could you possibly share that equally with FOUR OTHER PEOPLE? You can't. Fuck this guy. Fuck sister wives. I don't care how much they love each other as gals, it ain't natural. One might argue that monogamy isn't natural either - FUCK YOU! YES IT IS. Yes we can! I only want one man and I sure as FUCK don't want that man running off to share his bed with another woman who he allegedly loves equally to me; other women, BACK OFF! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM. He loves ME. ME ME ME ME ME. Call it what you want you stupid polygamous fucks; you're SICK.
Ok so this isn't political. Obama still sucks? Congress still blows? Economy still socializing? Freedoms still being lost? Yeah, I think we're caught up then.
The picture? Also has nothing to do with Jackass - it's a Deep Sea Hatchetfish - otherwise known as the Fish that Will Eat Your Soul or the Fish of the Damned. I just liked it.
Anyway, I'm kind of surprised they actually made a Jackass 3 - I was pretty sure they were done with Jackass 2. Steve-O went on to make an incredibly drunk performance on late night television and security had to escort him out; he's been sober two years now. Bam went on to get married, had a pretty funny show Viva la Bam, mostly thanks to his incredibly tolerant parents and his hilarious molestor uncle Don Vito, then he just sorta poofed. He got his comeuppance for his smartassery (as opposed to Jackassery) in Jackass 2 when they made him cry a minimum of three times - he likes to be the one punching you in the nuts, he doesn't want to be thrown in with snakes and they let loose on him in a quite satisfying manner. Johnny Knoxville's appetite for self-destruction was already petering out - you could tell in the riot gun stunt - he didn't want to be seriously injured (and certainly wants a fully constructed face as well as future mobility) and I think the cameramen were sick of puking at the late-night drunk-fuckery.
But they did it anyway - I'm pretty sure the only way they convinced Bam to participate was by promising him HE could be the punk and ball-puncher this time and they wouldn't make him cry too much. Which is why the running "Rocky" gag; only one of which they flipped on him to make him squeal like the little bitch he is. It was actually worth it just to see him tased and thrown into a snakepit, crying and screaming. Johnny seemed to laugh just as hard as ever at the shenanigans, Wee-man never stops laughing (maybe he never stops drinking) and they all seemed to be in pretty much top form. At least close. Admittedly they turned down the danger level a tad (they aren't young guys anymore so much, eh?) and went with the other factors a bit more that have contributed to the success of the franchise, but all in all I have to say it was worth it. Go ahead and watch it; you know you want to.
Rip Taylor was still hilarious at the end, too. I must say I warned my son around the time the show became popular that if he was considering Jackassery himself, he'd better put that thought RIGHT out of his head - these guys are sick and the stuff they do is extraordinarily dangerous. They put the disclaimer at the beginning "These stunts are done by professionals; do NOT attempt them and do NOT submit any footage of yourself trying Jackass-style stunts because we won't even watch them." Which I guess is true in one sense - they are professionals in the sense that they get paid to do what they do. But so far as I know they are not professional stuntmen - they submitted footage of their idiocy and it got popular...and people got hurt trying to copy them. THEY got hurt plenty themselves (not to impugn Bam's incredible skateboarding skill; but that wasn't what got him on the map. It was the footage of the stupid stuff he and his pals would do.) Now, of course, they have teams of professionals on hand to oversee the stunts, the animals, and provide medical attention, but I don't know as that makes them pro stuntmen themselves. No, they started as Jackasses and they finish as Jackasses IMO. Funny, lovable, sick jackasses. And still worth watching. It'll be the last one; this time I'm pretty sure of it, so enjoy.
Honestly it's almost worth it just to see how hard they laugh at one another getting hurt.
Ok so I been reading the guy thirty years or more; I CAN'T HELP IT. Though I gotta say his last book screwed with my head in a very bad, very unfunny way. When he named it "Full Dark, No Stars" he wasn't kidding; this is PITCH black shit. And frankly his last line in the afterword felt like a kick in the face. My daughter assures me it was sarcastic...but I'm not sure. At any rate, he made a comment about Sstephanie Meyer (SP?) and her idiotic "Twilight" books. You a "Twilight" fan? Fuck off then. I hated the first book so much I only read it twice (and lemme tell you, if I only read your stupid book twice YOU SUCK.) He made the comparison between that and the author of the Harry Potter series, saying that at least SHE could WRITE. Now I only read the first three of the Potter series but I would willingly read the rest. SHE actually CAN write. And Meyer can't. So for my enjoyment I am going to include a commentary (a rare commentary since he doesn't talk much) by King about the flap. Oh, you didn't know there was a flap? Well THERE WAS. Twilight fans - all the sad dancing hipsters and emos and whoever the hell else they are had a FIT about the comment. Hahaha - hey, I might find sad dancing hipsters sexy (like 'em young and at least they have the sense NOT to wear loose pants and wear their hair long) but their taste in literature SUCKS.
Here's the commentary: Doesn't matter if it's cut off because there's no movement.
I tried to go to my blog this morning via the URL and got a message that my blog had been REMOVED; no explanation, no nothing. So I started following links and trying to get some telephone help -ended up with an Amazon phone number (which in my distress I mistook for a google number), called it, and the woman took my info and filled out a form asking them to reinstate the blogspot, and asking if there was any further information they needed. She said it would take 24 - 48 hours. Great. But then I got an email from Amazon asking if she'd resolved my problem and lo and behold, the next time I tried to get to the blog, it was there. What. the. hell.??? What does Amazon have to do with it? Why does google have all sorts of personal information about me associated with my gmail account? Why did she deign to help me when they're not affiliated in that way? Why did the account suddenly appear again? Oh, none of this makes any sense at all and I. don't. like. it. When I had my own domain it was fine and dandy but my hiatus caused me to miss the last couple bills on the domain so it is gone for good. (Another 5 or 7 years of my work just gone, but c'est la vie.)
Well, for the moment the blog is here and if it disappears again I'll certainly try to get the correct phone number to rectify it (no way I'll be waiting for mere emails.) And as soon as (and assuming IF) I can rectify my financial problems I'm doing my own domain again to end all this ridiculous hassle. I really don't want or need it. But er...uh...thanks Amazon for helping me?? If you did? And...yeah, domain time. The name isn't taken and I can still get it back, so I'll do that if it comes to it and I'm ever able. In the meantime I'm also going to mark down all my blogroll addresses somewhere where they won't be lost if something should go kerflooey again. But I tell you...WEIRD.
