Ok, honestly, this guy is a jackass. I mean, even as he's pointing directly to and OUTLINING this thing, he's still so bizarrely, utterly...wrong - well I've never seen anything like it. It's so stunning in the scope of the stupidity that it's downright hilarious. Particularly the end, where he says "Oh, it may be a moth" - er...yeah, ok after what you just said? That really REALLY doesn't save you at all, genius. I'm sorry, I know mistakes happen, but this guy just wouldn't back down even as he's outlining the thing and pointing out wings calling them hooves; I...no, he's a jackass. Because he stood by that shit even...holy crap. Just watch the video, will you? If it's cut off, see it HERE
"You can now edit the US map on Google. Probably going to be someone’s full time job to restore New Jersey every time it’s deleted."
Haha! He's the IMAO guy - and he's hilarious. If you've never been there, do take a visit. It's where I get my daily laughs. He also says:
"Charles Mason breaks twenty year silence? I thought he was only fired from MSNBC a few months ago."
And Charlie used that broken silence to condemn...global warming! Bwahaha! Manson and Gore and Manbearpig - what a partnership.
Finally in funnies, Sheriff Joe Arpaio is posting the funny mugshots of the day so we can all vote Mugshot of the Day Good stuff! I wonder what the heck happened to THESEGUYS . I don't know but the second one is sad; I'm voting for the guy covered in...cocaine? Heroin? Flour?
Interveiw with the Vampire. Louis is SUCH a liar. You don't know until The Vampire Lestat. And Lestat KILLS Louis. He just kills him. Louis is just such a liar. Almost everything he says is a lie. Louis can NOT read minds and thus he gets EVERYTHING wrong. Why should I care? Because I DO. Lestat is the KING; he RULES. The first four books ROCK. Uh...don't read the fifth book, it blows. But the first four? Oh, read it! Thatisall.
I first saw this guy doing bubble tricks years ago in a video at Six Flags and my God is he awesome - he says THIS is what you get for playing with bubbles every day for eight years. And, er, I bet some of the smoke he uses at home ISN'T tobacco, either. Excellent video.
Trivia - the sound of cracking when someone flicks a whip is actually a mini sonic boom; created when the last few inches of whip breaks the sound barrier - over 700 mph. But I still liked it when Harrison Ford just took out his gun and shot the one guy instead of whip-fighting him; biggest laugh of the movie. Oddly, it turns out they DID have a massive fight planned, but Ford has dystentery and said "Look, guys - can I PLEASE just shoot the guy? I'm not up to this." Inadvertently making the movie better than it already was. But then Lucas and Spielberg are basically insane.
Ok so I will do brother then. I had one hell of a family; it was the sport of all three of them to think up new ways to torture me - a group effort; yay teamwork! Shitheads. But my little brother was a character and a half. Uh...yeah they all were, but he took the cake in some ways. I mean what do you say about a boy who carried a pink baby doll to school every day (and everywhere else) until he was ten? Yeah, I thought the same thing. Baby Big Boy, he called it. It had a string and had like 8 different phrases I think. Sure the kids at school ragged on him - so did I. Come on, the kid did latchhook ffs. Ok so it was sort of cute, and he'd been sick a lot as a younger toddler, so one can perhaps not blame them for spoiling him stark raving rotten. But get real...if you have to peel a boiled hot dog and the kid has only 6 other items on his entire menu...all of which are snow white (god help you if you didn't cut off every shred of brown off the dry-ass roasted skinless chicken breast and heaven help you if two things touched on his plate!) then your kid is just a tad too picky. Plain pasta (just salt), french fries - only the middle; ends would be discarded, peeled green apples, white bread with Marshmallow Fluff on it, plain peeled hot dogs on white buns, potatoes whipped until they're the consistency of runny Cool Whip...um, that's about it. Oh, except the popcorn - just dug through and bit off the puffy tops, left all the rest back in the bowl - one time a friend of my mother's dug into a bowl of popcorn only to hear my mother say, "Um, S already ate that." Ew. No pizza, NO tomato sauce, no cheese, no milk (well maybe with Bosco in it) and the ketchup had to be stored in the cabinet (Heinz only) so it wasn't cold. He told every girlfriend that if there were ever to be any cohabitation or marriage, HE would do the "cooking." That's cooking? And I haven't even told you the worst, most bizarre aspects of their unnatural relationship. Just trust me, it sure wasn't pretty, and it was downright horrifying at times. Some lunatic Oedipal thing or something...yeah, I'm not going there; it's too gross and feels too disloyal even if I don't talk to any of them anymore. You know what I like? Christian brothers. And that's every bit as real as any blood ties. (No offense to non-Christians; I love you guys too! ;) ) Over the years my brother-in-law has come to be much like a real brother...took a long time and a lot of patient sowing, but we care about each other. Big confirmed bachelor type, so we're kinda all he's got. And maybe he's all we've got too, since their mother passed on. He's got his flaws, but don't we all? And as Forrest Gump says, that's all I have to say about that. I actually found the doll on ebay once (vintage and everything) and was gonna buy it and send it to him for a joke, but it never worked out. I thought it might be funny for his wife to see his old childhood love :D Ah well, didn't happen. Well...C tomorrow. I got my first word all set up (it's been going through my head for days) but I'll have to think of some other stuff. This is kind of fun!!
And for those of you who hate moonbattery, here's a link to the Barking Moonbat Early Warning System. I prefer to mention the howling at the moon, but this works too. Howl at the Moon.
Ok so I'm sitting on my bed eating some roasted chicken (even if I do think I make it better than my husband does; he thinks different) and reading. Husband, son and daughter are all down the hall in the kitchen eating chicken. All of a sudden "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHCCCHHHHH" - this SCREAM of a choke starts coming down the hall, and I know it's my daughter, because it's her voice. Then it starts going on, and on, and ONNNN! She was choking sure as hell. Now I know the conventional wisdom and it's *normally* quite correct - as long as the person is making sounds or coughing (uh, which makes a sound) then leave them alone to get it out, right? But no, it was VERY clear with this sound that it was to be immediately followed by silence - either by a complete blockage of the airway or death, or both. Normally I'm very good in any emergency and I almost started running down the hall to Heimlich the kid (now again,normally you wouldn't Heimlich someone unless there was no sound, and there are very good reasons for that; you're trying to use the last bit of air left inside to dislodge whatever's stuck in there, but like I say, in this case if you had heard it you would know; it WAS time to try) - but for some reason instead I screamed "OH MY GOD HELP HER, PLEASE HELP HER!" (I was talking to my husband and son there, not praying for a miracle.) And as I'm screaming that I hear my husband say, "No, get UNDER there!" - now if there's one thing I've taught my kids, it's life-saving techniques and first aid. And remaining calm and pro-active during an emergency. It kept on and on...and then suddenly, it stopped and she was ok. I was JUST about to run down the hall (I can't run, but under the right conditions I could probably lift a car, you know?) and dial 911 but that wasn't the answer; the problem is that in that 4 minutes she would have been dead. And unfortunately our most local ambulance services closed up shop so it would be more minutes; we'd end up with some idiot asshole rookie cop telling us to wait for an ambulance or something. Hell, wait until I tell about the time I had a seizure and the difference between the ambulance help and the police help (hint: the cops always get there first.)
Anyway, I'm still screaming, "IS SHE OK, IS SHE??? WHAT HAPPENED?" and I heard, oh thank God, I heard her saying "It's OK Mommy".
But of course I had to get all the inside poop so I made them all come in and tell me what happened in detail. It was a CHICKEN BONE caught in her airway - almost but not quite fully blocking it. I said "So, did you get it up on your own, or did he get it up for you?" She said "Oh hell no, it wasn't going ANYWHERE; HE got it up! As soon as daddy told him to get UNDER there" (he started a tad too high).
So I started singing that song "How to save a life..." because I was so happy and proud. Why in hell she was chewing a bite with a bone in it I'll never know; I wouldn't. It was JUST like the scene in Amadeus where Salieri's father chokes on a chicken bone (he must have been a good actor because the sound was exactly the same only more drawn out and repeated many times.) So then of course I had to quote Salieri there - when his father was choking on a chicken bone, he said, "And then you know what happened? A MIRACLE!" See, he hated his father ;) But frankly I did not want to go watch this young woman I love die, part of why I hesitated, in fact.
Then I told my son "You actually saved her LIFE; you're a hero!" And no one will ever know; pity, that. But I can rest easy in the knowledge that I DID pass on some great tools and the ability to use them to the people that matter most to me. Sure, I could have done it - I HAVE done it, but to see someone else do it is awe-inspiring; especially when you know you were the one who taught them how.
Ok so I'll include one other anecdote (aren't you lucky! lol) - not the last thanksgiving but the one before that, our ailing cousin - well, my husband's cousin, but she's always treated me as family - was sitting next to me and she didn't have her plate in. And she didn't cut her turkey small enough. And it was slightly underdone,and thus a tad more...rubbery? (No, it wasn't rubbery; it was delicious, but rubbery will do.) And she was sitting right next to me, and suddenly...that sound. That horrible choking sound. And I did what you're supposed to; I asked her if she was choking, and she kept choking. Then I asked her if she was all right, and she shook her head no. Emphatically. See, you normally have some idea if you're gonna cough something up. She was still making sounds, but when someone tells you they're choking and they're NOT OK, you gotta go for it. So I jumped the hell up and grabbed her skinny ass and PUSHED. A second later, she said "Ok ok ok ok - I got it; it's up." I only had to do it once. Ideally, you only have to do it once; like I say, the idea is to use the last bit of air to dislodge the thing. Postscript - as she's standing there (did I forget to mention she stood up, as one naturally would, when she started choking really bad?) I saw across the table my brother-in-law sitting there looking extremely annoyed, rolling his eyes and looking at his plate...wtf? I was like, the girl is CHOKING here, hello?!? (Girl...hehe, she's 50.) Anyway, later on he actually mentioned it disgustedly, about how she was "puking" on her plate. I said "She wasn't puking, she was CHOKING to death". And...in her typical fashion of demeaning me in little ways (she doesn't know she's doing it so I don't fault her so much for it) she said, "You almost had it, too." Heh. That's the thanks I get for dislodging the turkey - you ALMOST had the spot. As though I didn't kick it the hell out personally. Ah well; I don't want credit - watchword for emergencies - remain calm, and employ your techniques. Use them appropriately, and be trained in first aid. No one remained calm or knew the techniques to breathe air into me when I stopped breathing so I pretty much drilled it into them even more after that. In fact, I drilled everyone who came to my house - "Hey, if I ever stop breathing, THIS is how you do it..." Hehe. I like to breathe. When I found out that CPR only works 2% of the time I was dismayed and when I read that those paddles of electricity can NOT *restart* your heart but can only stabilize an ailing heartbeat, I was doubly dismayed. What the hell did I learn all that stuff for? Well...you gotta try :) So...lives saved, many at any rate. Heh, when I swallowed a penny at 1 1/2 or 2 (I remember it, but I was tiny) my babysitter saw me sitting there not breathing and choking, and SHE hung me upside down by my feet and pounded me on the back. By the way, it worked! Out popped the penny! Gravity rocks!
So before we celebrate the New Year with something uplifting let's shred some leftism - it took me exactly 7 seconds to type in the address of a popular leftist blog and lo & behold, post #1 was just ripe for the wood chipper, so let's do it. I'm not linking it (no linky love from me! plus I don't want any infestations) but I'll save the link for posterity (if you really want it ask me in private.) The question posed to the posters was "What person/scenes/quotes would you like to see on your country's currency?" Now that's not something you really want the left's opinion on...until you start thinking about it. Why the hell not? At the moment I can still BUY some toilet paper with it but soon I'll be wiping my ass WITH the stuff anyway, since the fed's just printing it out at will, right? So my original horror at the answers quickly gave way to laughter, as I'm sure will yours. Now it's rather new so I'm sure fun new stuff will be added but for now here are some choice tidbits:
First response
Hillary Clinton
And yeah, I laughed right there.
Women poets: "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver:
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Ok honestly I'm not a poetry fan but it seems like it sucks to me. Who knows. Bit odd to be putting on a ten-spot, but hey, who am I to complain?
USA -- how about some lines from "This Land is Your Land." And not the first verse. The other verses, the ones that never get sung cause they're all socialist and shit.
These verses --
As I was walkin' - I saw a sign there
And that sign said - no tresspassin'
But on the other side .... it didn't say nothin!
Now that side was made for you and me!
In the squares of the city - In the shadow of the steeple
Near the relief office - I see my people
And some are grumblin' and some are wonderin'
If this land's still made for you and me.
Where they gonna fit all that? On the back?
Ellen Page (yes, the little girl from Juno who played a pregnant teenager and also from Hard Candy who played a revenge-seeking little girl against an alleged pedophile) and her quote: "I am a feminist and I am totally pro-choice, but what's funny is when you say that people assume that you are pro-abortion. I don't love abortion but I want women to be able to choose and I don't want white dudes in an office being able to make laws on things like this. I mean what are we going to do – go back to clothes hangers?"
Because that's like, totally what money should, like, say and stuff. Hehe.
Then we get, oh, Georgia O'Keefe (maybe one of her vagina paintings on the back, eh?) and Martin Luther King (no word on whether anything possibly plagiarized should be included) then my favorite so far
Oh, and the US should replace "In God We Trust" with "Property is Theft".
THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT MONEY?!? HAND IT OVER! LOL
I would kind of like to see a ban on white dudes on money for a hundred years or so.
Ah, yes, the white dudes. Gotta ban them. That one also suggests that money be made different sizes for the visually impaired - I would have gone with Braille, but what do I know?
I'd love to see currency with the slogan "From each according to ability; to each according to need."
Well why not? We're all socialists now, right Newsweek? Well, before you sold your magazine for $1 that is.
I'd love to see US currency have actual quotes by Thomas Paine. I wonder sometimes if alot of "patriots" have any idea at all what it was the revolution was fought for. I think they might shit their collective pants.
Well...considering what your friends are suggesting, I kinda doubt that we'd be the ones shocked, but ok...
Billie Holliday, Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou, Emily Dickinson, Toni Morrison, Janis Joplin, Katharine Hepburn, Sylvia Plath, Betty Friedan, bell hooks, Abigail Adams, Kate Chopin, Flannery O'Connor, Margaret Sanger, Mae Jemison, Margaret Mead
Does Rosa Parks come with a NAACP sticker on the back? Does Margaret Sanger get a token quote about eugenics? Or Margaret Mead about the hoax that was perpetrated on her by the Samoan girls? So many possibilities.
Well, on a fun note, the Ronald Reagan Commemorative Postage Stamp (his second) just went on sale, and the nice thing is they said they're replacing the "44 cents" with "Forever" so if you stock up now you can use them when the rates go up! I was gonna put a pic but my keyboard is sticking; it's on google. Enjoy!
I wish I could give it away to entice you to watch, but if I do, most of the buildup is lost. I was literally cheering as it went on, and if you have watched SNL or politics for the past 36 years as I have, you will be too.) It just keeps getting better and better and better. HOW did they get this CAST???? Holy shit! Let's just say you're about to see the most amazing sketch that SNL would never have the balls to do anymore. Oh, I don't care about the message (or the fact that SirObin bravely ran away from his own press conference rather than actually, you know, get to WORK or anything, highlighting the most shameful moment in presidential history in my lifetime. And I watched Nixon resign and the Clinton impeachment, so what does that tell you?) but trust me - watch and be taken back...back...back...and laugh your ass off!
Better to be a dog in Canada. I can only conclude, based on my knowledge of economics and reality, and this candid video (among common sense and countless other examples) that people on the comment sections of websites who go on and on about how awesome hell care REALLY is in the UK and Canada (because they don't *actually* have inordinate waiting times and it's all freeee!) are, to put it bluntly, full of shit.
But I knew that. It's just that you seldom can mount the economic defense because it would take...some foundation in common, things that they should already know? Besides they're just lying about it, so what's the point? At any rate, watch this video and weep at what we're headed for.
Also, in the beginning of this video, there is a clip of Obama promising in his campaign that he would get a universal health care bill signed by the end of his first term - now he's swearing to god and all the universe that it's NOT universal health care, that it was NEVER intended to be universal health care, that he never said any such thing, but that whatever it is, it has to pass NOW - before next month. Or we'll explode. Just like we were going to explode without the stimulus package. And it had to go through IMMEDIATELY or we'd all die. Now unemployment is skyrocketing and he's claiming it's working exactly as planned. Yes, I guess it is, you son of a bitch.
Your humorous moment of zen for the day. (Anyone know where this is or what's going on? It's hilarious!
Wonkette herself says so! Because you and I know the secret - that while it is a cheap political ploy to bring Trig and her other children onstage during the RNC, it is ALSO a cheap political ploy when you bring Sasha and Malia up on stage, especially when you make them do a whole act to go along with their appearance (even Palin didn't stoop that low, did she?) (Video at link.) At least the Palin kids only waved.
So now that Palin has expressed disdain for the crude photoshoppers of Baby Trig, and Wonkette feels that deserves only the strongest and most visceral of sneering, we are now free to do something that should have been done a long time ago - start shopping the first kids and making the world better through laughter and character assassination, involving even the children. Let's post a few of the Trig Palin photoshops to get our appetites whetted and then we can see what we're going to start with in our Sashalia shops to keep the party going! We have the stormtrooper above, that Wonkette was so taken with, then we have these two from SA (these are a bit ballsy for the latter-day Kyanka - I thought he stuck only to the safe stuff like parodying famous writers and stupid pet stories these days. Guess Palin's safe to go after anytime!)
Being the person that I am, I'm not disgusted at these pictures so much as glad the ruse is over and rarin' to get even. Now. For the Obama girls. I'll post any funny photoshops any of you can cobble together for me - they don't have to be nasty, but what I want for the first one is this specifically - one of the girl's faces shopped on a pole dancer's, and the other on a person holding a huge bag of drugs with a big price sticker on it, with the title: The Obama Girls Prepare for Success in Their Dad's Future Economy. Or leave the title; I can title it; just shop the picture for me. It's a hell of a lot funnier than what they did with Trig, and smarter. Whatever you can think of, make it and I'll post it - I won't put your name to it if you don't want, won't blow your "nice" cover and you can still be above it all (though I won't pretend to be), and you can submit it anonymously. Because I'm just not afraid of this shit. And why should I be? Even the left says it's ok, and they know all about tolerance and being "nice." Send all submissions to blackmarketlemonade@gmail.com and keep 'em coming!
In other news, a graphic representation of the 100 million dollar "cut" Obama has promised to take out of his monstrous, 3.6 trillion dollar, double-your-debt-with-the-flourish-of-a-pen "budget." This is what's known as "perspective."
Remember when he said he was gonna go over the budget line by line with a scalpel? I think the scalpel is just to make sure that he can make the tiniest possible cuts out of this outlandish spending. The former yowling Obamaniacs at work have sure been quiet lately. I can't imagine why they might be embarassed, can you? He didn't tell us he was going to do this crazy spending. Not until after the inauguration. He kept it all under wraps, opposing bailouts and saying not to worry, he was gonna fix it. He's fixing us, all right.
And if I hear him say one more time that "WE" are all just gonna have to tighten our belts, I'll blow a gasket. Washington isn't tightening its belts - it's unleashing an F6 tornado of wasteful spending, taken from people like you and me. HE isn't tightening his belt (well, he did leave a shitty tip at the burger joint, maybe that's what he meant.) No, his belt is nice and loose - crank that heat up, crackers - I want it hot enough in here to grow orchids (while us peons are expected to keep the heat down to 68.) He's having pizza flown in and eating Wagyu beef and Michelle's prancing around (or lumbering) in $550 sneakers while turning over a token spadeful of ground for the garden. Their belts are doing just fine. The only people who have to tighten their belts are those who have to pay for all this - you, and me. So no more of this "we" shit, Obama - it doesn't wash. I have to say, the look on Biden's face when Obi asked for the poupon for his cheeseburger (the regular cheeseburger, medium well with cheddar, and no ketchup, just spicy dijon) was really funny. Old Plugs is the funniest thing in this administration. Even he was looking between Obi and the cashier, like "What the hell am I listening to? This guy for real or what? Are you hearing this shit?" So that was good. I mean I don't give a shit what the guy eats, but it could only have been better if he asked for arugula instead of lettuce on his "regular" cheeseburger.
For humor's sake I'll post the video - never mind Obi, watch Plugs LOL
Relevant section begins 2:18. Hear Biden's answer to the personal, non-gotcha question? Good, because I get what he's saying. Not so easy for some of us who have no choice but to go to work or people who can't just yank their children out of school until all the danger has passed, but fair enough. Now see Gibbsy try to spin the answer - and watch the press howl in laughter.
Haha! What he MEANT to say was... Sir, that's not remotely what he said. This stuff is gold. Anytime Biden's in the picture it gets funny again - they should put HIM on everyday instead of the Teleprompter Jesus; at least it would all be fun to watch! h/t to Allahpundit and Ace
Now I also have this fabulous interview between Liz Cheney and that asshole "reporter" Norah Dumbass and Liz just shreds her. It's in three parts and they are all worth watching, but #1 contains the money shot - where Norah actually makes the argument that the reason we abide by the Geneva Convention (not relevant here since we didn't employ torture and these were non-uniformed enemy combatants whom it would have been perfectly legal to simply shoot in the field - except we benefited from the information) IS SO THAT WHEN OUR SOLDIERS ARE CAPTURED THEY WILL BE TREATED WELL. No, seriously, she said that. She even, I think, BELIEVES it. Apparently no one forced her to watch the beheading videos. And actually you're lucky if a beheading is all you get. Whatever, here's the embed; the other two parts follow - trust me it's worth it. Can we please get Liz on a ticket? I'll vote for her. Also, Norah Dumbass LIES through her teeth.
Finally, a funny take on "torture" since we're on the subject - gotta love Steven Crowder! Norah should see this one (it came out before the memos confirmed it all, too). Featuring Steven's Beheading - I wonder if that's anything like Stevie's Spanking.
Haha! Raaaaaacist! New blog to read, yay! I have to try making some of those movies, but I doubt I can do it as good as he/she does :D
On a more serious note, I can't find any pictures of Air Force One buzzing downtown Manhattan. I saw some good footage but I don't see any stills, and looking up Air Force One Manhattan in google images just gets you sneaker pictures. I have some funny captions to put on but I need the pics. I know they're out there. Or stills from the video at least. Anyone know where?
Or, hippie gets schooled. The free hug guy gets punked by a man in a "more cowbell" shirt. Classic.
H/T "I Hate the Media"!
Also, Earth Day predictions from the original Earth Day in 1970. Guess what they have in common? They were all dead wrong. Guess what they have in common with the predictions of 2009? They're the same exact predictions. Fear not the shadow horsemen; they are illusions. And they're always wrong.
Ok that is just my Teddie bear; my daughter took a good shot and sent it off to me.
But seriously, Kumar? The White House Office of Public Liaison blahdeblah whatever. I mean Bork got Borked for smoking weed, Clinton had to lie about his cocaine and weed heydays, and now we have a glass pipe president with the powder barely wiped off his nose and, like, the Halcyon Days of Weed Administration. Harold and Kumar was funny as hell, though. I just think it was grossly unfair that an equally hilarious stoner movie got completely drowned out because of H&K - that movie is Rolling Kansas. Well, that's my opinion anyway. Here's a link to some of the good quotes, though how they missed, "We ALL loved her, she smelled like biscuits!" got left out. So if drugs are cool and acceptable again thanks to the pioneering efforts of guys like Obama and Kumar and a host of others, could we end the drug war and maybe just have some fun like in the 70s now?
