April 1, 2009

Roommates from Hell!

So, Scarbo at Gonz's place recently linked to a site that I'm not done mining yet - it's that good! It's dedicated to passive-aggressive (in the broad sense) notes that people leave around their workplaces and shared apartments/dorms. It's full of very funny entries and fun commenters (and seriously, hella kudos to the one guy who saw me over at PK and didn't write me off as an asshole that he didn't want to talk to) but it really does dredge up some horrific memories of those poor days many of us had in our youths when we were forced to share residences with people who we wouldn't say hello to on the streets. Those old Roommates from Hell, that is.

My first roommate was on seriously heavy medication (Thorazine and Tuinol ain't no joke), and who spent my last night in the apartment wavering between sobbing uncontrollably and pounding on my door screaming in hysterics. Schizophrenic, but dammit, that shit isn't funny to live with, you know? She ought to have come with a mandatory warning label. My favorite was her throwing toilet paper rolls at me while screaming "YOU BITCH!" (Because I had only been there two days and we had an agreement to share TP expenses, but none had yet been bought.) I still can't believe her cracked-out expression didn't tip me off before I moved in. But it led pretty much directly to me seeking a new roommate immediately, and feeling a bit inured, I didn't choose too wisely there, either.

The second roommate presented herself as an imminently reasonable young woman who would totally not be a complete psycho. Wrong! I was there for a year and a half, and while I would not cast myself as an ideal person to live with, she was a total fail. What got to me the MOST were her notes. Her. endless. freaking. notes. Just a ferinstance - I paid half the dollar amount of the rent each month, minus the $.12, which I figured wasn't a big deal. Oh, hell no. It was a HUGE deal. I would open the electric bill every month and leave half of it under her door in cash, assuming she would, you know, PAY THE BILL. Wrong again! Instead she pocketed the money and **I** ended up in an apartment with the electricity shut off and a week's worth of groceries in the fridge, which I had had to stuff in there amongst her literally 13 years old "sentimental" chocolate that she just couldn't throw out despite its being completely white and disgusting. Once I delicately asked if she were ever going to EAT it and she lost her mind. I had 1/2 of a fridge shelf amid her inedible shit, and was expected to be happy with that. When I was forced to pay the electric bill because I was 8 months pregnant and needed my food, I kindly let her know that I would be deducting it from the rent...that went over like a lead balloon. The return note told me that "No, you may NOT deduct the electric bill from your rent - you will be expected to pay it on time. I pay MORE than half the rent in this place!" I responded by putting $2 on her bed in change, telling her she could keep the difference, and NOW I've paid "half" the rent for the year. Of course that just resulted in far MORE passive aggressive notes of the sort that would have made great fodder for that site, but unfortunately we didn't have the internet or digital cameras then, eh? Needless to say I was forced to stay in the tiny bedroom, was not allowed to bring a single stick of furniture into any other part of the apartment (even though some of it was sentimental stuff that my grandmother had owned and would be gone if I didn't take it after her death) and had to spend all my time in that bedroom as well - despite declarations to the contrary upon moving in, the rest of the apartment I paid half for was off limits! Because, you know, that's HER furniture. I said, "Well then I'll put some of my own furniture in," but "No, two living room sets would be crazy. We will just keep things as they are." Yeah, I'd say so. Because she was such a fucking pig we had roaches the size of SUVs, and I had to call the exterminators (as well as spend my time waiting for one of them to cut my throat in my sleep) but that didn't stop her from blaming ME for the bug problem.

I had to throw out a bag of potatoes that was buried under a mound of towels and other junk because the potatoes had liquefied into a slimy brown mass that smelled, literally, like a sewer...then get screamed at because I'd thrown out HER potatoes. Um...you were going to eat black slime? That smelled like human feces? And quite literally made me vomit? Uh...ok, packrat loon.

Ok, obviously there is a lot more, but it's got me thinking. Any other roommate from hell stories? I'm sure you've got them, if you've ever been unfortunate enough to have a roommate.

And if you don't? Take my advice. Live under a BRIDGE before you take a roommate.


Hammer said...

I thought my first room mate was bad...sheesh you had some real winners.

AnnieMcPhee said...

LOL - Hammer, if you had seen the first one, you would have called me a TOTAL fucking asshole for moving in with her. Believe me.

The second? She was MUCH more sneaky. My husband told me she was screwed, but I didn't listen. I have learned over the years to listen to his judgment.

Sherie said...

I've had some doozy roomates over the years, too. The first one had a boyfriend who wrote bad checks, even to her father! She ran up the phone bill then expected me to pay it. Even went so far as to call my parents. Gawd, like they could do anything. I mean, I was an adult? Moved from that very nice apartment into a house rented by a bunch of fuckin' no-work assholes who partied all night and let their dogs shit in the basement instead of taking them outside. It came as no surprise when we all got evicted. Then I got a studio apartment by myself and that worked out great until a family moved in upstairs and I heard their kid stomping all over my ceiling. I almost needed Thorazine after dealing with that for 9 months. Then, in my last year of art school I rented a brand spanking new apartment with 2 other girls. I even offered to share a bedroom just so I could get in. The girl who's father rented the place for us was a whale. And I mean a spoiled, know-it-all whale of a girl. Nothing anyone else could say was right. She was the only one who knew anything. The other roommate was the product of a strict Catholic family but was having an affair with a married guy that worked for her father. Talk about guilt ridden! I spent most of the time at my boyfriend's apartment. My and the 2nd roommate left one of those notes one night for the whale. We all had chores and she refused to take out the trash when it was her turn. She would let it overflow and one time I just absolutely refused to take it out. I cleaned the freaking bathroom for Christ's sake. We wrote the note to say take the fucking trash out or we were throwing her out with it. LOL! That went over real well. Apparently I put the 2nd roommate up to writing that note. The whale apologized profusely to the adulterer and bitched at me. I was so glad to move out of there and in with my boyfriend. I'm not the easiest to get along with, but at least I'm sane. Oh, and picture this: This fat, whale of a girl rolling around on the living room floor with her equally fat whale of a boyfriend, kissing and making out in front of a roomful of people. Got that image? Yeah. I know some guys are into that sort of thing, but not me. Yech.